LIVE 2 BELONG!
by: Ahmad k.
Isn’t the world a bit too cliché? how about overdosed?! When I was 14, I used to hide in places, where I make people look for me, to make attention, to feel wanted, maybe feared for, and some times I felt like an alien, far away from reality, I couldn’t understand how, why or….just I don’t know how! I felt abnormal, I felt alone, I felt not loved, understood, and ashamed, I just didn’t belong…I was the terrible jeans you’d never wear, I didn’t fit anywhere, I didn’t belong! And years later, being gay wasn’t the easiest life style I chose, it wasn’t an option, don’t get me wrong, I don’t feel ashamed of who I am, it’s just that complicated attrition I felt under, of accepting myself, growing-up, and discover new feelings, and I was so full of that hope, that i'd find all the answer of fitting in, belonging, destiny and future, but my mind is a hazard place, prone, adolescent, and so conspired. I wanted to belong, I wanted to fit, and I wanted to use the word “I want” in a sentence again! But just like every star that falls, I tripped on the loops of my teenage mind, I felt lost, un-welcomed. I've waited my whole life to feel that I belong, just belong somewhere, and to grow in that somewhere, but I didn’t belong, I discovered that I don’t belong even between my own people.
Whenever you walk in a room, you feel judged, pressured not just by appearance, but by everything, your age, your lips, your act, your interest and your lace top a drag queen wore on a Madonna themed party. And I ran, I ran to no-where, I didn’t want any one to see me crying, weak and lost, I didn’t want to be looked at, I didn’t want to exist anymore, cause when a birthday comes I don’t wanted to be forgotten, when a valentiens day apear i don't want to cry over a Celine Dion's songs and when i see a cat get run by a Hummer and feeling so helpless of can't do anything to help her!
When a child in Palestine dies from a bullet, I feel nothing, I feel like I don’t even deserve to cry, my pain cannot be close to what that child feels and sometimes I want to run to that child and protect him from that bullet, I want to protect him from the sound of that gun, I want to protect him from losing a finger, a tooth, a doll or even a mamy. I am that child sometimes, I am what he needs, i am what he feels, I am, and who am I to judge myself like that, except I am myself, and I just know why I feel that way, that I don’t belong! And I’m happy for that reason, I belong to world where peace exists, where hunger doesn’t attempt, where sexuality isn’t judged, where pollution doesn’t kill a fish, or a bird or an ant.
I don’t belong to a place where people judge you by a weight, by a height, by a lash! I don’t belong to a place where people party while a child in Iraq is looking for his Daddy, I can’t drink or dance while a family in Palestine can’t find a home to sleep in, I can’t. There’s that part of religion where we all tend to run from, and that ain’t about who we are, it’s about how we live, how dignified we are, how we use our voices, how we think, cry, and feel for and with those people who before they find there parents, can’t find there ownselves….
imagine living your life only for today, I don’t want that day to pass by without trying to make this world a better place, I want this world to live as one, I believe I was born for a reason, and that reason is not to belong, to make this world a better place, a better home, and a world for all of us to share…and I believe in myself more than ever and if feeling that i don't belong to a place where people dosn't care, dance the world's saddness away, or get drunk for a worse times, then i'm better off.