Even though I was not attracted to him the least bit, I was compelled to wait through the minutely more obvious accost of my most personal possession. Somehow, I manage to keep the conversation going with terse, one word responses. He requests we put a movie on. I oblige, unfeelingly. What came over me, I do not know, but I muster up the audacity to ask “Did you really invite me over to watch this movie.” He responds “No” with the conviction and aggression of tiger who has been following its prey for the past week. Our lips meet in less than a split second.
Suddenly, I’m on a rollercoaster ride of ecstasy with my mind left behind on the platform. In this instance, the laws of physics reinvent themselves, gluing our bodies together in an inseparable union. His deep gasps for air replace my thoughts, and his warm, powerful exhalations bathe over me. Colors start re-appearing, and my skin felt damp and sticky with sweat. As the luster faded, I was hit by the fact that the boy I was passionately tussling around with was not actually gay.
My questions surfaced into words, and, without any prior notice, slipped out the epic question: “are you gay?” He, quickly and without hesitation responded “no.” I stopped. “What the fuck?” He started quivering, stumbling on words, and producing a mountainous terrain of I don’t knows. Finally, he coherently says, “After you started talking, I just wanted you. Im not sure…” Yes! This makes sense. He was never actually listening to what I was saying; instead, his thirsty eyes and crooked, consuming smile were relentlessly tracking my lips. An identity crisis loomed ahead, and I did not have the stamina nor the desire to deal with this. I whispered “It’s ok” and hoped a few more kisses would placate his physical desires and emotional duress. I was wrong again. He begged that stay numerous times, and me, tired and without the energy to firmly say no, continued on, letting him caress me as my body’s vigor slipped into a vegetative state.
Suddenly, I’m on a rollercoaster ride of ecstasy with my mind left behind on the platform. In this instance, the laws of physics reinvent themselves, gluing our bodies together in an inseparable union. His deep gasps for air replace my thoughts, and his warm, powerful exhalations bathe over me. Colors start re-appearing, and my skin felt damp and sticky with sweat. As the luster faded, I was hit by the fact that the boy I was passionately tussling around with was not actually gay.
My questions surfaced into words, and, without any prior notice, slipped out the epic question: “are you gay?” He, quickly and without hesitation responded “no.” I stopped. “What the fuck?” He started quivering, stumbling on words, and producing a mountainous terrain of I don’t knows. Finally, he coherently says, “After you started talking, I just wanted you. Im not sure…” Yes! This makes sense. He was never actually listening to what I was saying; instead, his thirsty eyes and crooked, consuming smile were relentlessly tracking my lips. An identity crisis loomed ahead, and I did not have the stamina nor the desire to deal with this. I whispered “It’s ok” and hoped a few more kisses would placate his physical desires and emotional duress. I was wrong again. He begged that stay numerous times, and me, tired and without the energy to firmly say no, continued on, letting him caress me as my body’s vigor slipped into a vegetative state.
"I was confused... I had just made out with a still 'straight' guy who thinks I want a relationship after one measly hook up..."
After noticing my fatigue, he began to talk again. He apologized for keeping me there so long and for initiating this sensual session. I frankly replied with a lackluster “its ok”. He was really sorry. I wondered why? And out the answer came from his mouth, “I just really don’t want a relationship.” I was struck, and in my head ran this thought like a broken record “Does he really think I am emotionally attached to him? Does he know anything about me?” Clearly not. I had to explain to him in as nice of a way possible that neither did I expect anything, nor want anything from him. This was enough. I was confused now. I had just made out with a still “straight” guy who thinks I want a relationship after one measly hook up.
Time to go and never come back. After convincing him I was emotionally sound, I left and plopped down on my own bed, perplexed by what had just happened. The surprise that seemed so pleasant initially had turned 180 degrees into a confusing mess. The rules of temptation and hook ups meant nothing to him. He was immune to the usual protocol. Sexual encounters in college often mean nothing more than temporary fulfillments.
I was done with these closeted gay guys, forever. Well, at least, so I thought. My testosterone knows no bounds and cannot resist the opportunity to explore the unattainable. The more a gay guy is closeted, the more I desire him. The chase, even if it lasts only an hour, still feels exhilarating. I guess I will have to learn to live with the repercussion; a hook up is a hook up, even if it is with a “straight” guy. As sophomore surprises pop up all around me, I sense that this year will be fraught with headaches.
Time to go and never come back. After convincing him I was emotionally sound, I left and plopped down on my own bed, perplexed by what had just happened. The surprise that seemed so pleasant initially had turned 180 degrees into a confusing mess. The rules of temptation and hook ups meant nothing to him. He was immune to the usual protocol. Sexual encounters in college often mean nothing more than temporary fulfillments.
I was done with these closeted gay guys, forever. Well, at least, so I thought. My testosterone knows no bounds and cannot resist the opportunity to explore the unattainable. The more a gay guy is closeted, the more I desire him. The chase, even if it lasts only an hour, still feels exhilarating. I guess I will have to learn to live with the repercussion; a hook up is a hook up, even if it is with a “straight” guy. As sophomore surprises pop up all around me, I sense that this year will be fraught with headaches.