Did anything change after that?
I was basically a prisoner in my own home from the age of 14 to about 17. I wasn’t allowed to go anywhere; I had to come home right away after school. I wasn’t allowed to dress how I wanted, or be myself. When I was about 17 my entire family gathered again and told me I had to change, whether I liked it or not. Mind you it was an all men’s meeting. I told them I refuse to change who I was, so my uncle stood up and pointed a gun at me. Imagine, I am facing a bunch of crazy and extremely religious men. Religious the way they choose to interpret. So I looked at my uncle and told him 'shoot me' and I will die right here and I don’t mind. I didn’t mind because you would put me to rest, because I am not living my life the way I want to right now. If my other family members didn’t step in, my uncle would have shot me. He actually fired the gun several times but my family stopped him from shooting me.
Anyway, I was sent to Europe and even to Iraq to see specialists and experts after that. Most of them said it was impossible to change me. I found out later that my uncles conspired to have me killed.
It reached that point? What did you do?
The most important thing to them was the name of the family, my sisters’ reputations, and religion. Okay let us say what I am doing is sin. There are many things that are sinful. There is a God above me and he is the only one who can judge us as human beings. People cannot judge me.
Eventually, I was kicked out. I was told I had to leave or I would be killed. I ran away to a good friend’s house. A friend I knew for a long time. He was gay.
Did you have a lot of LGBTQ community members or friends around you?
No, there were very few of us. During the 90s, there were very few of us, and we were not organized or gathered. Not like today, today it is a lot easier.
At this point my situation was dire. I was always spoiled at home and this was the first time being outside of my home. While I was staying with my friend I lived off eggs. My friend tried to provide for me but he was struggling financially as well. We barely ate, and I began drinking heavily. I tried to drink as much as I could. I drank so I could just sleep. I fell into a dark depression.
I reached a point where I couldn’t take it anymore. I put my arms out and I slit my wrists and waited for death. There was a pool of blood underneath me. My friend showed up and ended up taking me to the hospital. The hospital notified my family. I was young, alone and had nothing to my name.
My family only allowed me back into the house after I agreed to shave my head and agree not to step foot outside of the house. I already felt that I had lost everything, so I agreed.
I was basically a prisoner in my own home from the age of 14 to about 17. I wasn’t allowed to go anywhere; I had to come home right away after school. I wasn’t allowed to dress how I wanted, or be myself. When I was about 17 my entire family gathered again and told me I had to change, whether I liked it or not. Mind you it was an all men’s meeting. I told them I refuse to change who I was, so my uncle stood up and pointed a gun at me. Imagine, I am facing a bunch of crazy and extremely religious men. Religious the way they choose to interpret. So I looked at my uncle and told him 'shoot me' and I will die right here and I don’t mind. I didn’t mind because you would put me to rest, because I am not living my life the way I want to right now. If my other family members didn’t step in, my uncle would have shot me. He actually fired the gun several times but my family stopped him from shooting me.
Anyway, I was sent to Europe and even to Iraq to see specialists and experts after that. Most of them said it was impossible to change me. I found out later that my uncles conspired to have me killed.
It reached that point? What did you do?
The most important thing to them was the name of the family, my sisters’ reputations, and religion. Okay let us say what I am doing is sin. There are many things that are sinful. There is a God above me and he is the only one who can judge us as human beings. People cannot judge me.
Eventually, I was kicked out. I was told I had to leave or I would be killed. I ran away to a good friend’s house. A friend I knew for a long time. He was gay.
Did you have a lot of LGBTQ community members or friends around you?
No, there were very few of us. During the 90s, there were very few of us, and we were not organized or gathered. Not like today, today it is a lot easier.
At this point my situation was dire. I was always spoiled at home and this was the first time being outside of my home. While I was staying with my friend I lived off eggs. My friend tried to provide for me but he was struggling financially as well. We barely ate, and I began drinking heavily. I tried to drink as much as I could. I drank so I could just sleep. I fell into a dark depression.
I reached a point where I couldn’t take it anymore. I put my arms out and I slit my wrists and waited for death. There was a pool of blood underneath me. My friend showed up and ended up taking me to the hospital. The hospital notified my family. I was young, alone and had nothing to my name.
My family only allowed me back into the house after I agreed to shave my head and agree not to step foot outside of the house. I already felt that I had lost everything, so I agreed.
(Blown away! Pictures above: Sarab is wearing Max Mara's tulle layered cocktail dress, accessorized with a vintage gold pleated and pearl broche.)
"As much as my mother loved and spoiled me, she resented me with the same passion. Her perspective was that she had 9 girls and 2 boys and wanted both of her sons. She was sick of daughters and she wanted me to be her son."
After all of this how did you feel?
You know, sometimes I look back and wonder how I survived everything that I have been through. I attempted suicide again after that and was told I would be imprisoned if I tried again.
After all of this I realized that I am strong and I will be who I am regardless of the consequence or any societal or religious norms. I grew my hair back and began dressing like a woman again. When I became 25 I made a decision that I would be out and who I am and I refused to have anyone stop me. My extended family cut me off, I began running away and coming back home. I lived my life for a while.
What do you mean by you lived your life?
I would leave the house dressed as a woman, go out and do the things that I wanted.
Did you leave the house and then change into your clothes?
Never. I never got dressed in secret. I would always get dressed at home, put on my make up and walk out just the way I was. This is my life.
How do you get your clothes?
Friends brought me clothes, or I would get a few things here and there whenever I had the chance. At some point I had to go to my brother’s wedding. I was forced to wear a suite. I felt as if I would choke in the suite, so I made a women’s suite instead.
Does it say Sarab on your ID or have you changed your name?
My ID has my male* name on it. I cannot change it.
You cannot change your ID, have you ever thought about "transitioning"?
I began going to a doctor and he gave me the hormones I need. I cannot have a sex change in Jordan, it is against the law. I have never had any cosmetic surgeries.
If you had the opportunity to surgically transition, would you?
Yes I definitely would, but it's not allowed in Jordan, where my whole life is. However, I grew accustomed to it and learnt to live with it. This whole thing makes me feel somehow special!
Have you ever tried and were turned away?
No, but I know the law. I am not able to have the operation here. Anyway, that is my life so far. Oh, and I have a boyfriend. Honestly I consider him my husband but obviously we are not married.
How long have you been together?
About 8 years.
Would you marry him if you could?
Of course I would in an instant. He considers me his wife and I consider him my husband, but Arab society doesn’t allow for it.
Is your husband in Jordan?
Yes he is, but I don’t want to talk about him too much.
Do you want a family, to have children and live this kind of life?
I would love to have two children. Sometimes I put my hand on my belly and pray that I could have children of my own. I’d want to have a family with my boyfriend. I am very doting; I take care of everyone I know. I love children. I adopted an orphan child from SOS, I take care of all of his needs. Anything he wants, I pay for it.
* Sarab requested not to publish her male name as it's not what she goes by or identify with