The One & Only!
On homosexuality when being the only child
By: M.J. Rahahleh
Parents consider their children the fruit of their lifetime, the embodiment of their dreams, the vessel in which they will pour all of their dreams that didn’t have the chance to become true; whether it’s a higher education degree or a political aspiration, they directly assume that since they didn’t do it, they’ll watch their child grow up to do it. And since most people (including parents) did not come to the entire understanding of homosexuality being a nature rather than a choice, they see their child’s different orientation as a failure of this enactment of their dreams, thus a failure of their own. While they depend on their children to do all of those dreams, the slightest chance of thinking or acting individually (whether their child expressed homosexuality or not) is considered a step off track and ultimately the failure of what has been written and destined already.
Those problems faced by any child of ambitious parents, homosexual or not, usually result in family feuds and conflicts. Most children whether they are young or older come out with their new found sexuality or gender to their parents, but before they come out to the closest people to them on earth; they try to come in terms with their own sexuality first, and that’s a long running tunnel we’ve all managed to pass through. It can be groundbreaking and could shake up the child’s entire universe, and parents sometimes forego of this fact and forget that this is not something they choose to be, and they try to change their children into something they’re not usually by force, while some don’t come out at all provided the fear of being rejected and marginalized by their own family and probably some bad experiences that might have happened with some of their acquaintances.
Being gay and being the only child is the biggest dilemma of all, because parents from all over the world who are heterosexual and have been brought up in a society with a low level of understanding of homosexuality (whether because of society in general or perhaps of religious upbringing) often have a very hard time in coming to terms with the piece of news that their child have just given them, and they end up usually following the “love the sinner, hate the sin” approach. This rejection is a leading indicator of detrimental health effects for their homosexual child. Those kids who had to deal with such rejection were found to be more likely to report having attempted suicide; more likely to report high levels of depression; more likely to use illegal drugs; and more likely to report having engaged in unprotected sexual intercourse compared with peers from families that reported no or low levels of family rejection.
Parents consider their children the fruit of their lifetime, the embodiment of their dreams, the vessel in which they will pour all of their dreams that didn’t have the chance to become true; whether it’s a higher education degree or a political aspiration, they directly assume that since they didn’t do it, they’ll watch their child grow up to do it. And since most people (including parents) did not come to the entire understanding of homosexuality being a nature rather than a choice, they see their child’s different orientation as a failure of this enactment of their dreams, thus a failure of their own. While they depend on their children to do all of those dreams, the slightest chance of thinking or acting individually (whether their child expressed homosexuality or not) is considered a step off track and ultimately the failure of what has been written and destined already.
Those problems faced by any child of ambitious parents, homosexual or not, usually result in family feuds and conflicts. Most children whether they are young or older come out with their new found sexuality or gender to their parents, but before they come out to the closest people to them on earth; they try to come in terms with their own sexuality first, and that’s a long running tunnel we’ve all managed to pass through. It can be groundbreaking and could shake up the child’s entire universe, and parents sometimes forego of this fact and forget that this is not something they choose to be, and they try to change their children into something they’re not usually by force, while some don’t come out at all provided the fear of being rejected and marginalized by their own family and probably some bad experiences that might have happened with some of their acquaintances.
Being gay and being the only child is the biggest dilemma of all, because parents from all over the world who are heterosexual and have been brought up in a society with a low level of understanding of homosexuality (whether because of society in general or perhaps of religious upbringing) often have a very hard time in coming to terms with the piece of news that their child have just given them, and they end up usually following the “love the sinner, hate the sin” approach. This rejection is a leading indicator of detrimental health effects for their homosexual child. Those kids who had to deal with such rejection were found to be more likely to report having attempted suicide; more likely to report high levels of depression; more likely to use illegal drugs; and more likely to report having engaged in unprotected sexual intercourse compared with peers from families that reported no or low levels of family rejection.
"If parents reject their child sexual orientation, that constitutes child abuse... The parents’ attitude of 'love the sinner, hate the sin' attitude leads to terrible mental and physical health effects for LGBT children..."
Rejection goes beyond the extreme cases where parents might throw their child out of the house (homosexual teens make up an alarming percentage of homeless youth), this rejection encompasses additional situations like a parent thinking that their child brought bullying or ridicule upon themselves because of their sexual orientation, or a parent expressing disappointment that their child is not ‘straight’ or ‘normal’. If parents reject their child sexual orientation, that constitutes child abuse. That might seem like a stark statement, but is it true? The parents’ attitude of “love the sinner, hate the sin” attitude leads to terrible mental and physical health effects for LGBT children, sounds like abuse? Of course it does.
This is not a win-win situation; every member of this conflict will end up losing; parents losing their only child, and the child losing his parents for good. In the Middle East, it gets more crucial (with small variations between different countries) since parents with only one child are considered somehow abnormal for having only one family member, they are encouraged by their relatives and friends to be even more ‘strict’ with this child because he/she is their only chance to ‘present something to the society worth presenting’ and often in this process, the feelings of their child gets neglected and even worse, overwritten, whilst the parents are blinded by the never-ending poisonous ideals of those so called friends and relatives.
But it’s not the whole deal; situation is changing now with new techniques of parenting rising to the surface, not imported blindly from the West, but with ones that fit our social environment of discretion. It’s more open minded on the inside part, and more closed on the outer part, and instead of caring about what strangers think, parents are starting to realize that their child’s health and wellbeing is on the line here; some sort of a ‘everyone mind their own business’. This ultimately calls for the collaboration and help of parents in order to defend the individuality of their children and their freedom of expression against extended family members that try to undermine the child’s ideas and perceptions.
Parents with one child should be open minded more than parents with several children, since their reactions to any action by their child might scar him/her for a lifetime, they have to do is acknowledge their child’s sexuality and let them know that no matter what, that they have their unconditional love and support. Parents might not realize it, but they are always amongst homosexual people all the time but they just don’t know because we are not aliens, we are normal, just like them. It’s not the end of the world, it’s just the beginning!
Read more articles for MJ:
-MJ's article "The Homophobic Note-Box" discusses the issue of homophobia and the media's mirrored reflection on the unconscious tolerance toward the issue of homophobia. (here>)
- Article “Cash This Homo, when money buys sexuality” MJ discusses the issue of straight people who go up for homosexual prostitution, it’s history and the life on the streets. The October Issue of 2009 (here>)
-MJ’s article on the drag queen scene and the cross dressing trend. The June Issue of 2009 (here>)
This is not a win-win situation; every member of this conflict will end up losing; parents losing their only child, and the child losing his parents for good. In the Middle East, it gets more crucial (with small variations between different countries) since parents with only one child are considered somehow abnormal for having only one family member, they are encouraged by their relatives and friends to be even more ‘strict’ with this child because he/she is their only chance to ‘present something to the society worth presenting’ and often in this process, the feelings of their child gets neglected and even worse, overwritten, whilst the parents are blinded by the never-ending poisonous ideals of those so called friends and relatives.
But it’s not the whole deal; situation is changing now with new techniques of parenting rising to the surface, not imported blindly from the West, but with ones that fit our social environment of discretion. It’s more open minded on the inside part, and more closed on the outer part, and instead of caring about what strangers think, parents are starting to realize that their child’s health and wellbeing is on the line here; some sort of a ‘everyone mind their own business’. This ultimately calls for the collaboration and help of parents in order to defend the individuality of their children and their freedom of expression against extended family members that try to undermine the child’s ideas and perceptions.
Parents with one child should be open minded more than parents with several children, since their reactions to any action by their child might scar him/her for a lifetime, they have to do is acknowledge their child’s sexuality and let them know that no matter what, that they have their unconditional love and support. Parents might not realize it, but they are always amongst homosexual people all the time but they just don’t know because we are not aliens, we are normal, just like them. It’s not the end of the world, it’s just the beginning!
Read more articles for MJ:
-MJ's article "The Homophobic Note-Box" discusses the issue of homophobia and the media's mirrored reflection on the unconscious tolerance toward the issue of homophobia. (here>)
- Article “Cash This Homo, when money buys sexuality” MJ discusses the issue of straight people who go up for homosexual prostitution, it’s history and the life on the streets. The October Issue of 2009 (here>)
-MJ’s article on the drag queen scene and the cross dressing trend. The June Issue of 2009 (here>)