It started out at a friend's gathering, we were all sitting there, gossiping, dancing, indulging ourselves in this erotic underground session in one of Amman's secret sanctuaries, in my case, a friend's house.
Then unanimously, we brought the bottle and started a game of "truth or dare", which only took place because some people in the gathering do like each other and they wanted a push from the crowd to kiss someone compulsorily, but in fact they want it to happen, well, they might’ve set the whole thing up, believe me, that happen!
It was HIS turn, they dared him to strip down from T to bottoms on the rhythm of a sexy song, he was without any discussion the hottie of the circle, yet I thought he wasn't, I had my eye on someone else!
We kept on ignoring each other by default, it's just that we hadn't had the chance to have a decent conversation, just some complementary phrases in order to be kind, and that's because we’ve chatted on the internet beforehand, but we didn't agree on meeting or anything, so you can say that a date wasn't in the horizon.
Days went by; in fact a year went by, changing me, him too. We used to catch each other online, but no extended conversations were taking place, just the normal clichés, still no date talk.
I changed my place, from a city in Jordan to Amman, getting even closer to the gay life that's prospering day by day, getting to know a lot of guys, some of them are my type, a lot of them I was their type.
So, unintentionally, I had broken a few hearts along the way. And by the devil's insinuations, I became this cold person that can't really fall for anyone. I grew to be amused by the idea that guys are prostrating themselves in my way, and I was the one who gave them the red card. I know it is deterioration from being this sweet naïve lad, to a sexy veteran foxy guy, but that was fate's game, and I had to comply by its rules.
However, fate has hidden a surprise for me; it wanted me to taste my own poison that I had spit in my victims' mouths. It wanted me to leave the fortress that I had built, in order to shield myself from the biggest undeniable fragile pleasure, LOVE!
I fell in love, and with whom? Yes, him, the guy from the party. But why now? I thought I were safe! Safe from those weakening feelings, who put their bearer in an unstoppable roller coaster, up and down the valley of insecurity, doubt, jealousy, and the rest of the negativities that come with loving someone.
But my inner self, dodged all those thorns, and just gave in to the serenity along with the roller coaster ride of my feelings. I've never been like this before, daydreaming about someone?! For me, that was like having a shower with a date after sex!
I started yielding to love's conditions, gave in to life's cycle, and gave my conceited finicky heart to him or at least for the feeling. However, the problem here is that he doesn't know I love him that much. He doesn't know that I’m finally able to feel, miss, succumb to anyone, in this case "him".
Well, what I did here, was a long conversation with myself, since I've never done this before ( by "this" I mean loving someone who doesn't know it), and decided that I should make him feel it, not just perceive it.
So, now it's time for my creation to be unleashed, and let my inner artistic soul to reflect my emotions, plus thank God to the internet!
Me: What do you have on Thursday night?
Him: Nothing so far.
Me: want to come over?
Him: No problem.
Me: Showing a silent (YIPPI) smile. Ok, I will be waiting. Bye.
12 pm sharp, my door bell screamed in a squeaky tone alarming me that my "No love rule terminator" is here. I opened the door for him to behold how much I love him. The house was all candle-lit, with no electrical lights, just man's first invention, fire, which embodied the intensity of my feelings, along with some profound music enveloping the house with a quaint yet grotesque ambiance.
His only words were: "that's very nice!" with a noticeable bewilderment, actually I didn't expect him to say more. But he doesn't know what's waiting for him.
Anyways, we sat down, talking about different subjects, during that time, I literally held my tongue not to scream that I love him, and that's what I did.
I told him to change his clothes because I have something for him. I sensed that he was confused, but I were confident that he’ll lose this feeling soon.
He came back, topless, shorts on. I held his hand, and took him outside, (well, forgot to mention that I have a roof that is accessible from my kitchen)…And there it was, the gesture I thought about many, many nights, that would give him a hint about my feelings.
A red carpet, paper bags filled with sand with a candle on top, a mini-table, with crystal glasses, a plate of strawberries that made the shape of a heart with whipped cream in the center, and a small fuzzy blanket to protect us from the summer's cool breezy night. But what made the scenery even closer to perfection was the stars above us that decorated the sky and gave this night the magical look I was hoping for.
His reaction was all that I wanted in return of this labor, we sat down, he put his head on my lap, and hugged me. That's when I felt complete.
But, I never told him the "L" word yet. Do you think he figured it out???