Positive for 24 hours!
on un-protected sex
By: Osama
It all started when I was one day having sex with him, we are about to go third base when he whispered in my ear: “do I still have to use it?” I was shocked by the question, I knew I had been dating him for 5 months then, and I knew he is a man who didn’t like to have any restrictions… rubber ones in particular! Yet I didn’t know that going unprotected was an option in my relations. I’m not claiming that I have never done it before. I did few times, but that was long time ago.
We stopped for a while and started to talk about it, he said he wanted to feel closer to me, to go to a deeper stage of intimacy, to break the last boundary between us yata yata yata… and I knew he just wanted to feel how warm I was!
We agreed finally to get tested then decide weather we want to do it or not. Two days later I went to a lab near my house, there was a lady at the reception wearing a head veil, I hesitated a bit before I asked her “Do you do HIV tests here?” She paused for a second. “Yes” she said. “I will be right back”. She then went inside to ask some more experienced people about that I guess, came back after few minutes. “Yes we do them for 16 JDs and the results take 24 hours to come up” she said.
“Is it confidential?” I asked.
“Yes, I will just have to take a photocopy of your ID though, and if the results were positive I will have to contact the ministry and inform them about you” she said that with a smile!
“Oh, very confidential I see!” I said.
I decided to take the tests, I didn’t want to go through all this again, I gathered all the strength I got and went to the sample taking room. I watched my blood filling the nurse’s shot. I was trying stupidly to look for anything suspicious in my blood color! She told me to come back tomorrow same time. I left the lab not knowing that the longest day of my life has just started. I walked home which is a few minutes of walk-way. Thinking about sperms, HIV, barebacking… but things seemed to get more and more confusing as I was thinking about them!
I usually think of the worst case scenarios whenever I feel scared of something, so I started thinking, what if I had it? What if I go tomorrow to the lab and they tell me am positive? Or read “positive” in red on the result’s sheet? Will I be able to handle it? How would I react? How would they react?
Well, first of all I would assume to have a huge problem with my family, coming from a religious one, I think they will not be very supportive about it. Will they kick me outside the house? I read that the government here pays for the medicine so that would be settled. I saved a little from my part time job that I have beside my college studies. I think they will be enough to pay for my one year left at college and my accommodation over that year as well. But will I not see my family any more? What will happen to my mom? Knowing that her son is sick and down with AIDS?! I always looked at her terrified facial expressions when ever she hears about HIV on TV!
It all started when I was one day having sex with him, we are about to go third base when he whispered in my ear: “do I still have to use it?” I was shocked by the question, I knew I had been dating him for 5 months then, and I knew he is a man who didn’t like to have any restrictions… rubber ones in particular! Yet I didn’t know that going unprotected was an option in my relations. I’m not claiming that I have never done it before. I did few times, but that was long time ago.
We stopped for a while and started to talk about it, he said he wanted to feel closer to me, to go to a deeper stage of intimacy, to break the last boundary between us yata yata yata… and I knew he just wanted to feel how warm I was!
We agreed finally to get tested then decide weather we want to do it or not. Two days later I went to a lab near my house, there was a lady at the reception wearing a head veil, I hesitated a bit before I asked her “Do you do HIV tests here?” She paused for a second. “Yes” she said. “I will be right back”. She then went inside to ask some more experienced people about that I guess, came back after few minutes. “Yes we do them for 16 JDs and the results take 24 hours to come up” she said.
“Is it confidential?” I asked.
“Yes, I will just have to take a photocopy of your ID though, and if the results were positive I will have to contact the ministry and inform them about you” she said that with a smile!
“Oh, very confidential I see!” I said.
I decided to take the tests, I didn’t want to go through all this again, I gathered all the strength I got and went to the sample taking room. I watched my blood filling the nurse’s shot. I was trying stupidly to look for anything suspicious in my blood color! She told me to come back tomorrow same time. I left the lab not knowing that the longest day of my life has just started. I walked home which is a few minutes of walk-way. Thinking about sperms, HIV, barebacking… but things seemed to get more and more confusing as I was thinking about them!
I usually think of the worst case scenarios whenever I feel scared of something, so I started thinking, what if I had it? What if I go tomorrow to the lab and they tell me am positive? Or read “positive” in red on the result’s sheet? Will I be able to handle it? How would I react? How would they react?
Well, first of all I would assume to have a huge problem with my family, coming from a religious one, I think they will not be very supportive about it. Will they kick me outside the house? I read that the government here pays for the medicine so that would be settled. I saved a little from my part time job that I have beside my college studies. I think they will be enough to pay for my one year left at college and my accommodation over that year as well. But will I not see my family any more? What will happen to my mom? Knowing that her son is sick and down with AIDS?! I always looked at her terrified facial expressions when ever she hears about HIV on TV!
'... I can forget about my future plans… I would be lucky to get a job in my major, I don’t think the Jordanian rules are developed enough to protect HIV+ against discrimination’
Friends, probably no one will still be interested in staying in touch with me. I am the one with HIV; they would think I can transmit it to them! People would think they have it too if they kept hanging out with me. I can also forget about half of my future plans, traveling abroad, doing my master studies, getting married to a tall muscled hairy-chested man in Canada or even visit the gothic old churches in France! I would be lucky to get a job in my major, I don’t think the Jordanian rules are developed enough to protect HIV positives against discrimination.
I would definitely not have as much sex as I am having now, I can’t have sex with a negative guy knowing that there is a chance I might transmit that to him. I will be having sex with HIV positives only, and assuming the ratio of hunks in Jordan is 10%, and the ratio of gays in Jordan is also 10% that’s makes cute gay guys in Jordan 1%. But if we multiply that by 0.0001% which is people with HIV in Jordan I will get the ratio for gay cute positives guys to be 0.000001%!
I then remembered the times I went bare, those times which always gave me a hard on when I thought about them, but for the very first time, they are shaking the ground the I’m standing on! The time when I was with that hot guy on his roof? He was too careless to buy a condom and too cute to resist? Or that guy who knew I was still a virgin and convinced me that he wants to try barebacking for the first time? Or the night when I was wasted that I couldn’t flip the condom right on the guy and didn’t give it a second chance…?
Suddenly all these stories felt terrible to hear! I regretted every single second of them. The extra pleasure I had from going bare was by no doubt not worth any of the terrible feelings of regret I am having now. The mistakes I’ve done and can never take back ever again!
I put my head on the pillow, I had a strong headache from all the thinking, took a sleeping pill but hardly slept that night. Next day went to the lab, entering with shivering knees, asked the dared to be Q, longing but not so much for the results, opened the envelope… and bam! NEGATIVE!
Few tears dropped down to my chin, I called him right after I got out of the lab, “I am negative” I said. “I just got my results”.
“Great news boy, when am I seeing you?” he said.
“Tonight? But...” I said
“But what..?” He said
“I want to do it with condoms this time, and every single time till the rest of my life. I love you babe, but I also love my health and looking forward keeping it”.
-Make sure to check the safe sex survey results by the GME (here)>
Read more articles for Osama:
-Check article “Yelp Yourself”, convo made into article on a straight guy trying to help gays get to the straightway. The July Issue of 2009 (here>)
-Article “I did it my way” talks about the essence of being gay within reason, aging and leaving a foot print in this life. The November Issue of 2009 (here>)
I would definitely not have as much sex as I am having now, I can’t have sex with a negative guy knowing that there is a chance I might transmit that to him. I will be having sex with HIV positives only, and assuming the ratio of hunks in Jordan is 10%, and the ratio of gays in Jordan is also 10% that’s makes cute gay guys in Jordan 1%. But if we multiply that by 0.0001% which is people with HIV in Jordan I will get the ratio for gay cute positives guys to be 0.000001%!
I then remembered the times I went bare, those times which always gave me a hard on when I thought about them, but for the very first time, they are shaking the ground the I’m standing on! The time when I was with that hot guy on his roof? He was too careless to buy a condom and too cute to resist? Or that guy who knew I was still a virgin and convinced me that he wants to try barebacking for the first time? Or the night when I was wasted that I couldn’t flip the condom right on the guy and didn’t give it a second chance…?
Suddenly all these stories felt terrible to hear! I regretted every single second of them. The extra pleasure I had from going bare was by no doubt not worth any of the terrible feelings of regret I am having now. The mistakes I’ve done and can never take back ever again!
I put my head on the pillow, I had a strong headache from all the thinking, took a sleeping pill but hardly slept that night. Next day went to the lab, entering with shivering knees, asked the dared to be Q, longing but not so much for the results, opened the envelope… and bam! NEGATIVE!
Few tears dropped down to my chin, I called him right after I got out of the lab, “I am negative” I said. “I just got my results”.
“Great news boy, when am I seeing you?” he said.
“Tonight? But...” I said
“But what..?” He said
“I want to do it with condoms this time, and every single time till the rest of my life. I love you babe, but I also love my health and looking forward keeping it”.
-Make sure to check the safe sex survey results by the GME (here)>
Read more articles for Osama:
-Check article “Yelp Yourself”, convo made into article on a straight guy trying to help gays get to the straightway. The July Issue of 2009 (here>)
-Article “I did it my way” talks about the essence of being gay within reason, aging and leaving a foot print in this life. The November Issue of 2009 (here>)