Brushed off too? Goodbye isn't the easiest word. A gay's hair-loss diary...
Have you been brave enough to confront the mirror? It’s the latest exhilarating trend, where the audience has become the performance. But this isn’t an art-review as much as it’s a self-confronting kind of a deal. Introduction? No need for one really, a gay guy who gained his sex appeal from once was my hair! And my story isn’t the fairy tale type, but all I know that it starts with ‘once upon a time’!
The other night, I had the craziest idea, to shave off my head just like Britney once did! I was one foot close to do it cause I felt nothing is working, and my hairline is receding drastically… shedding and eventually I’m going to be bold. I felt I need to be brave and face it now, but I guess I am not brave enough, so I left it there, thinning and vanishing by itself, denying the idea! I keep on saying ‘one day I am going to win this battle’, one day I’ll be what I once was, even though if I had to undergo a transplant procession, but I know I’ll be dead once I look at the prices they charge per surgery.
Sometimes I really freak out just by picturing myself bald. Other times I realize how much I’m still not ‘ok’ with ‘it’. I’ve hoped by taking this column to prove to myself that I’m on the road of overcoming this obstacle, but it’s not easy to wake up and find that your appearance is changing over night, I know you’ve all hoped me to be on a monthly calendar sharing a success story, but still a beginner. I am really not ready at this point yet, I mean I am young, and this shouldn’t be happening to me at 23! I don't mind if this hits me in my 30's or 40's but now it's like a nightmare! It isolates me from all the people around me, fearing that they might notice some of the thinning or the bald areas… I don’t think they’d understand. The fear of people not finding me hot enough or sexy again… I used to feel like I’m the sexiest thing walked on earth! My hair was my sex appeal, and losing it is like losing my home or a million dollar or any life necessity to survive.
Now, on the way of losing my sex appeal, trying to concentrate on other features that I have, but believe me when I tell you this, nothing feels like home (hair)… People tell me all the time to “try and go to the gym and have muscles, and you’ll get the attention you used to get”, but this attention is way different from the one I used to get. The complements about my hair styles and my slim-fit body. Oh, ‘hair style’ is a weird word for me now! I haven't got near one since the last few years, as it was my ‘thing’ for the last era!
I know I sound depressing, but this is reality and I am not exaggerating about any of my feelings or the pain which is stressful! And are you there, like me facing the same thing? Every day I wake up to see hair everywhere! On the pillow, on the sheets of the bed, in the bathroom… and every second I look into the mirror just to make sure that I am not bald yet, cause I know I will not live to see myself bald. And Just like Edie from DHW (Desperate House Wives) said and I quote "I will never reach fifty" and she didn't! She died sexy and lived the center of attention… and do you have a quote too?
I don't want to tell you about the things I’ve tried to get that full-mane back! I am like a lab rat that won't die! I’ve used a million things, paid lots of money just to grow my hair back naturally, but nothing worked! Some worked for a while and then gave up on me, dropping me like a sack of potatoes! The things that worked were temporary, showed results for a short while and then destiny stroke back again, and after I had this little hope that I am going back on track, feeling so close to the power again, lost case! It feels great when people starts noticing and asking what's your secret. I was really happy for a month or two but then they put the evil eye on me and now no one is knocking on wood anymore!
Gay people in general, care about the way they look, they check you out from head to toe and if the tiniest thing didn't impress them they won't ask you for that 'destin' cup of coffee. And do I dare to ask, why is it hard to impress us? It's always the hunger for beauty and the thirst for attention that people like me crave! It's like heaven on earth there but I guess for some people it never meant to be! And I believe in something, 'beauty & attention fade away at some point, but some people have to deal with it a little too early'.
Await Ahmad’s next tell-all diary, where he’ll share more mixed feelings, and how his ‘hair-loss issue’ started to affect his relationship with his boyfriend. Would like to share your story? Comment? Contact us now (here>)