I Was Bron A Girl...
Now I Want To Be a Boy!
As told to: Berit Eis
19-year-old Chris looks like a boy, but three years ago he was called Caroline…
Things would have been so much easier if it’d been born a boy. I wouldn’t have to go through all this stuff if I had been. For as long as I can remember I’ve wanted to be a boy. But I didn’t tell anyone this when I was younger. I was scared that people would think I was weird if I told them how I felt. How do you explain to someone that being a girl just doesn’t feel normal to you?
My parents never seemed to notice that I wasn’t into girlie things, but they never tried to make me wear dresses. I always wore really boyish clothes instead. Most of my mates were girls, and I hung around with my older sister a lot of the time. But I always realized that I wasn’t into the same things they were.
I fancied girls
When I was 14 I realized I fancied other girls, so I came out as a lesbian. But I still had this feeling that things weren’t right. I didn’t talk to anyone through. Just the thought of it was incredibly scary.
Then just before I turned 16, I went to Canada with Dad. While we were there I did a lot of thinking, and by the end of the trip I knew what was wrong. I just didn’t feel like a girl! In fact I was a boy trapped in a girl’s body. So when I got back I started to search for information on the net. I looked into gender issues and read that there were females who live as males-they call themselves FtM (female to male transsexuals).
Everything I read only made me more sure. These people had felt exactly like I did. So I plucked up the courage to talk to a friend about how I felt. But she struggled to understand, and couldn’t see why anyone would want to give up being a girl.
Eventually I knew I had to tell Dad. It was really hard though; he just didn’t know how to cope. I told my sister separately, hoping she might be a bit more understanding-but she just cried. My mom had died when I was 12, and my sister said I’d never dealt with the loss-and that I was doing this to get attention. But I wasn’t trying to shock or hurt anyone. I just wanted them to accept me for who I am.
I became Chris
After a while I felt brave enough to go and talk to my doctor. He referred me to a gender identity clinic. Once they were sure that I was serious about the way I felt, they put me on the NHS waiting list for male hormone treatment to make me more like a man. I had to live as a man to qualify for the treatment, so that day I decided to become Chris. I gave all my girl’s clothes to charity and asked people not to call me Caroline anymore. I chose Chris because it has the same initial, and suits anyone.
I didn’t have to change the way I moved or acted because being a boy came naturally to me. For a while I thought I had to act in a certain way, but I realized that living as a man doesn’t mean being a typical male.
I bought some mean’s clothes too, and registered at school as Chris. And if I was out with my mates and met new people, I’d always be open about who I am. Luckily most people reacted really positively.
I started treatment
Two and half years later still hadn’t been accepted for hormone treatment on the NHS. But I was desperate to take the next step in my new life, so I decided to pay for the private treatment and wrote to an expert explaining how I felt and why I wanted the treatment as such a young age.
My friends were brilliant about my decision to have treatment, and Dad supported my decision to do it too. He’s learnt to accept who I am now, although he wishes I’d waited until I was older before starting the treatment. But sadly, my sister was very upset about my decision.
After meeting the expert, he gave me the prescription for my injections. I wasn’t nervous about my first one, and I’m not worried about the transformation that will happen to my body-I’m actually looking forward to my breasts shrinking. They make me feel really female because they’re so big. I don’t want a penis though. I’m not ready for that step- and to be honest, I’m not sure I ever will be.
I feel positive
I feel really positive about the future. I’ve joined a support group and met loads of FtMs who look just like a man after hormone treatment, which is very encouraging. I’m finally getting the life I’ve always dreamt of. The only thing that I worry about is telling a partner who I am. Although I haven’t had any serious relationships, I normally go for girls. But I’m sometimes attracted to boys too. I just hope that whoever I end up with will understand and love me for who I am.
The story of "I was born a gril...now i want to be a boy!" is from Sugar magazine March 2004. We'd like to notify that we're giving the credit of the story to the original publishers the way it should be, but we published one copy of the story for it's contents on a LGBT issue that might help our readers to relate and find more gay-common related stuff that could seeks them a veiw on more LGBT issues.